The Proctor - Parent Partnership | Raising Adults

In six short weeks roughly 387 students will arrive on Proctor’s campus to start the 2025-2026 school year. Accompanying each of those students to campus will be parents, guardians, and families. Attending boarding school (even as a day student) is a big step for families to take, but one we believe affords students (and parents) incredible opportunities for growth. 

A decade ago we shared a piece written by Julie Lythcott-Haims referencing her book, Raising an Adult, and while some content does not age well, this book is as relevant today as it was ten years ago. Lythcott-Haims implores parents (and educators) to spend time critically examining how we are supporting (or over-supporting) young people as they navigate childhood and adolescence. Lythcott-Haims writes, “As parents, our intentions are sound—more than sound: We love our kids fiercely and want only the very best for them. Yet, having succumbed to a combination of safety fears, a college admissions arms race, and perhaps our own needy ego, our sense of what is ‘best’ for our kids is completely out of whack.” 

Over-parenting in early adolescence has been linked to problematic development in emerging adulthood. Lythcott-Haims writes, “When seemingly perfectly healthy, but over-parented, kids get to college and have trouble coping with the various new situations they might encounter they can have real difficulty knowing how to handle the disagreement, the uncertainty, the hurt feelings, or the decision-making process. This inability to cope—to sit with some discomfort, think about options, talk it through with someone, make a decision—can become a problem unto itself.”

In the Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine identifies three specific ways we might be over-parenting our children:  

• When we do for our kids what they can already do for themselves,
• When we do for our kids what they can almost do for themselves; and
• When our parenting behavior is motivated by our own egos.

As parents of three children, my wife and I find ourselves falling into this societal trap of over-parenting alongside so many of our parenting peers. We feel good about the short-term successes that result from our involvement in our children’s lives (perhaps occasionally doing for our kids what they can do for themselves) because it validates our efficacy as parents. But are we zooming out to focus on our children’s long-term development of life skills that will allow them to enter adulthood with confidence, self-advocacy skills, and a sense of adventure? 

Too often, today’s high schoolers can tell you what they've done, what they’ve achieved, the courses they’ve taken and the accolades they’ve achieved, but they struggle to tell you who they are. Proctor’s gift to each family is that our educational model provides students the time, space, and skills necessary to figure out who they are; not who we want them to be, or who their parents or guardians want them to be. It is a gift that not all schools are willing to give, and likewise, it is a gift that not all parents are willing to give to their students. We are incredibly grateful that Proctor parents see the bigger picture and are willing to partner with our faculty to create an environment where our kids are challenged, struggle, overcome, and thrive. 

Proctor’s motto since its earliest years has been: Live to Learn. Learn to Live. A student gains agency over their educational journey when parents and teachers become partners in creating an environment ripe with independence. Parents, you will not be the first to pull away from campus nervous about your student having newfound independence at boarding school. Also know that you will not be the first to see an absolute transformation in your student’s self-confidence as they are challenged, fall down, pick themselves up, and persevere. 

Read more about being a Proctor Parent here!