As the September sun warms our mornings and calms our afternoons, we start to find a rhythm to our days -- breakfast, class, class, assembly, class, lunch, class, class, afternoon program, dinner, extra help and ensemble time, study hall, wind down for bed. We walk by each other on the walkways, in classrooms, and on our way to assembly, recognizing more faces with each passing day, but do not yet really know each other.
We talk often about the power of the Proctor community, but the forming of a community takes time. In advance of the upcoming school year and engaging with new students and colleagues, I read David Brooks’ recent book How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen. In it, Brooks writes, “There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.” I kept thinking about this sentence, our lives as educators at Proctor, and the complexities of the world in which we are trying to raise teenagers. Seeing others fully is what it is all about. Sure, the Proctor experience features amazing programs, hands-on learning in classes, in the woodlands, and around the globe, high level art and athletic programs, and so much more, but the power of living and learning in a community like Proctor rests not in our programs, but in our remarkable ability to see each other deeply.
During these first weeks on campus, we each take up this charge with intentionality. It can be easy (far too easy) to rush from one end of campus to the other, to grab our plate and shovel food into our mouths before hurrying to our next commitment. What if we were able to do what Wilderness Orientation does so well and slow down? What if we asked each other questions about our lives - not superficial questions, but real questions. What brings us joy? What stresses us out? What about our family might we want to share? What about our upbringing is being challenged by our first weeks at Proctor? Why do you believe what you believe?
In each conversation, we lay a brick in the foundation of our community. Brooks writes, “Being open-hearted is a prerequisite for being a full, kind, and wise human being. But that is not enough. People need social skills. We talk about the importance of ‘relationships’, ‘community’, ‘friendship’, ‘social connection’, but these words are too abstract. The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another point of view.”
Schools can become obsessed with being a “college prep” school from a hard skill perspective. The list of 21st century skills schools teach can be found on websites and in curriculum guides as educators fall into the trap of believing that mastery of content will be the leading indicator of “success” for their graduates. At Proctor, we believe hard skills matter, but without the context of human connection, serve as a misaligned indicator of our mission in action. Instead, we see our job as helping our students see others in the world. Brooks, again, shares applicable wisdom as he writes, “Human beings need recognition as much as they need food and water. No crueler punishment can be devised than to not see someone, to render them unimportant or invisible…To do that is to say: You don’t matter. You don’t exist. On the other hand, there are few things as fulfilling as that sense of being seen and understood.”
As THIS video above illustrates, the simple act of complimenting someone can change the trajectory of their day. Imagine the impact of engaging them in conversation? Of acknowledging their existence. Of offering our presence, not even our words, when they need it most? This is our work as we settle into the school year and welcome our new students and professional community members into our community. It is not about some grand gesture of belonging or declaration of core values, but about the small, simple acts of love that knit us together into something truly beautiful over time. Let us each do our part to see others and allow ourselves to be seen.
Read more about Proctor's Community!
- Community and Relationships
- Leadership