The Proctor - Parent Partnership | Building Islands of Competence

Over the course of the summer, we will be sharing regular blog posts focused on sharing insights on parenting Proctor students. We do not claim to be experts on parenting, but do feel we have, collectively among our faculty, extensive experience partnering with parents to optimize their student’s time at Proctor. Today’s post focuses on the concept of “islands of competence” and how we, as parents and educators, can build competence, and, in turn, confidence, in young people through our approach to parenting and teaching. 

Assistant Head of School Annie MacKenzie shared THIS article from The Atlantic, noting the parallels in the author’s perspective on strength-based parenting and Proctor’s approach to education. While the title of the piece (The Wrong Way to Motivate Your Kid) clearly seeks to both solicit “clicks” and make us, as parents, feel like failures, the insights shared within the article brilliantly articulate why we, at Proctor, believe highlighting a young person’s strengths is foundational to their learning journey. 

Each young person works to establish an island of competence on which they can stand. We see this in children of all ages - they flock to activities where they find success, and in that success, they begin to form their identities. The author of the above linked piece, Russell Shaw, writes, “Confidence is contagious: When we’re good at things, our courage rises. When young people experience themselves as strong and capable—as an artist, an athlete, a leader, or a friend—they are better equipped to persevere through obstacles in other areas of their life.” 

Research suggests, as the article notes, that when we focus on each other's strengths, we build resilient communities, classes, teams, dorms, and advisory groups composed of individuals who are confident in their work and their contributions to the whole. The piece goes on to discuss specific ways we, as adults, can help students stand on their own islands of competence. 

1. Identify the Island 

Sometimes kids discover their own islands and other times parents push their children toward activities in which they appear to have a natural ability. The key, according to Shaw, is inviting your kids to reflect on which activities activate them and bring them joy, and then supporting them in those activities. When parents try to control or micromanage their children’s “joy producing activities”, we are not building an island of competence, but something far less stable. 

2. Name It

Too often we, as parents, assume our kids know their strengths and feel recognized and reinforced for their successes. Shaw encourages parents to name their child’s strengths TO their child. Talk about your observations, the little moments when you see them light up, the seemingly insignificant act that may serve as the foundation for an island of competence. We should never give false or shallow praise, but we should absolutely name our children’s strengths when we see them in action. 

3. Build on the Island 

We tell our kids regularly that “practice makes progress”, and while our children may have a natural ability, intentional development of that ability is key to building self-confidence that is key to establishing a young person’s island of competence. Be intentional, again without manufacturing your child’s “success”, about providing opportunities for strengths to develop through hard work and practice. 

4. Use Strengths to Address Weaknesses

If you were to sit and observe a Learning Skills tutorial at Proctor, you would see this piece of Shaw’s advice in action on a daily basis. Our students, especially those with the most jaggedy learning profiles, have remarkable strengths that can serve as a perfect vantage point to identify and work on further developing areas of weakness. We each know our children’s strengths (and weaknesses), and the more we can leverage their strengths to have conversations about their weaknesses, the more we can preserve their island of competence and its wide-ranging impact on their overall sense of belonging. 

5. Tell an Optimistic Story

We should never underestimate the power of the internal narrative that we tell ourselves. We are who we say we are, and if we can help our kids hear us talk about them from a positive perspective, they will internalize those words. It is easy to focus on the challenges, the grades that fall short of our expectations, the teacher comments that suggest “opportunity for improvement”, and yet, within each child are gifts that are just waiting to be highlighted. Let’s commit to talking about them. 

As we enter these summer months and slow down from the chaotic pace of the school year, our hope is that we are able to spend time reflecting on how we are supporting our children in the building of their islands of competence. Shaw ends his piece with this thought, “In an era when young people are bombarded with messages about what they must achieve, we can remind them of what they already possess.” This is exactly how we, at Proctor, hope to nurture our students through their high school years and the building of their islands of competence as they head into the world! 

Read more about the Parent/Proctor Partnership!